This has been a crap year

This year has been so hard on my heart. Last year I had such great success with kittens I felt confident this year would be the same. Sadly that just isn't so. Last Monday Jack started to get sick so we went to the vet and got a/b for him, Lexi and Krissy. While there the vet mentioned that someone had called the day before asking about 3 kittens they found in their yard. The vet told them who to call and what to do but they did nothing. We got their info from the vet and phoned them, they brought the 3 babies to Mary's and I picked up about 4:15pm. 3 beautiful long haired kittens wailing at the top of their little lungs. Weighed them all, all were under 200G, gave them a bottle and settled them in the infant boxes. 2 hours later, Alex a little black girl was lying on my kitchen table dying. Alex died about 6:50 that night, just over 2 hrs of being on my care. Harper was a funny looking kitten she had a white body, but a calico head, she also was dying, though I did get her though the night and the next day, but she died early Wednesday morning. I went from 6 kittens to 4 in 2 days. Had the people who found them done something, even given them water, they might have survived, but they did nothing and left them paying in the hot sun for 2 days. Deyhrdation set in and organ failure started and I wasn't able to repair it, sometimes you can, sometimes you can't it depends on how far along failure is. Jerry another little black boy was just beside himself, he wasn't ready to go with the others and wouldn't stop screaming, I called another rescue who had a litter about his age so off he went. He is doing well according to an e-mail received today. yesterday morning, Lexi didn't want her bottle, she is weaning and they drop bottles so I wasn't concerned. Later that morning I noticed that she was having some breathing issues. So off to the vet we go....they took x-rays of her wee lungs and the vet explained that x-rayed lungs appear dark. Little Lexi's were white. She was diagnosed with FIP (feline infectious peritonitis) she was given less than a 20% chance of survival, she was working so hard to breathe she had no energy for anything not food, not purring, not anything. It was decided that my sweet Lexi should be put down as she was suffering. I am devastated. Just the night before I took a pic of them eating and playing all 3 of them, had I known that would be the last night I would kiss her head before going to bed, I would have held her a little longer. She was the sweetest little girl and I admit she had some anger issues, she was fiesty and demanding and expected to be treated like the little princess she was. She was snobby, prissy and loud, but OMG she was adorable. I couldn't go with her to put her down, I save kittens I don't help in their demise, So another rescuer Michelle was kind enough to take her for me, I bawled like a baby, never have I cried so much over the loss of a kitten, I still cry today thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not cold and heartless, the other losses bother me, but Lexi's was different and I don't really know why. I asked my 9 year old how she felt if I didn't do rescue anymore, she helps me sometimes and it affects her life as well. I expected her to say "ok" or something similar, but she didn't..she said "you can't quit, the babies need you" When I told her that the deaths were all so sad and heartbreaking she said "maybe for the rest of the year 100 million will live and only 1 more will die and that will make it better". The logic from her was pretty amazing, she is a special needs kid so coming from her that statement was huge. So again I wrestled with not doing it anymore, but as usual I will carry on, and maybe she's right, though I hope I don't have a 100 million kittens this year. very few kittens survive bottle feeding, so the fact that I have only lost 9 out of 44 in the last year isn't really bad. 36 kittens have lived, thrived and done well, so if I look at it that way it makes me feel more accomplished. I just honestly don't think I can handle one more death, but I know it happens, sometimes love just isn't enough, sometimes their bodies have been thru so much before I get them and sometimes they have diseases that don't show until kittens start to get active and busy. However I can honestly say that each and ever kitten that has died in my care, they knew human touch, they knew full bellies but most of all they knew what love was and they received so much of it.... Jack and Krissy are doing very well, krissy is fully weaned and Jack was having weaning issues, he didn't want to lol. He liked his bottles to much, but in the past few days he has come leaps and bounds. he refused all but his breakfast bottle today and I expect he will refuse that one tomorrow. Soon they will be on their way to bigger and better things. I am unable to weigh either of them, as they simply refuse to stay in the weigh buckets, but I can assure you that they are doing well, Krissy is a wee fatty, Jack is long and thinner with the biggest paws, his paws are about 2 sizes bigger then he is. Both ar close to a lbs now, but not quite, if Krissy keeps eating like she is she will be there by tomorrow or Monday and Jack is not far behind her. This will be my last entry for this litter as there really isn't anything to report now, both are pretty much weaned and met their "newborn milestones". So I guess you will hear from me next litter. Take care and to those who have followed me, thank you and to those who haven't well you are missing a ton.